Story #10. Sexual Liberation Means Life to Me. And I’m not Exaggerating
By Aleksandra Matysiak | Young Feminist & Teacher of English
Growing up I struggled with eating disorders, and only those who had to deal with such diseases know how broadly they influence your life. You become so withdrawn and obsessed with your appearance you can hardly go out as you just don’t feel comfortable in your own skin. I was pretty intelligent, but I wanted people to tell me I was beautiful, sexy or skinny. I wanted to make out with just anybody, just to prove to myself that somebody found me desirable. However, even then, I could feel the judging eyes on me. I could feel them on me all the time.
Then, I had a boyfriend, who was my best friend at first. Somebody finally seemed to love me and accept me for who I was, so I kind of felt better about myself. But things started getting complicated. He began acting like I was his possession. He wouldn’t let me meet my friends or even my family. He would get jealous when I was wearing something a little more revealing. He called me a slut for actually no reason. But I was so in love I hardly even realized he was treating me like shit. And it wasn’t long before all the blackmails, emotional abuse and physical violence began. I had such low self-esteem I thought I deserved all that stuff. However, the day when police had to go into action changed everything.
I was so emotionally exhausted I felt like I died and was born again. I’m not saying I needed the violence to wise up, but I could finally feel I wanted things to change. Like REALLY. I stopped caring about other people’s opinions as I realized that MY LIFE, MY BODY and MY OWN GOOD are the most important for me. There’s nothing wrong about being a little egoistic. We all are.
I cured my mind. I don’t need to fit the standards anymore. I don’t even want to. I feel sexy about myself and love everything about my body and that’s why I also care for it. Still, the biggest worth is inside of me, not outside. Remember, you must want to spend the rest of your life with yourself first (Rupi Kaur). You’re nobody’s property. You’re a valuable human being who has the right to do whatever she wants about her body, doesn’t matter if it’s gaining some weight or having sex with somebody or nobody at all. You’re under no obligation to please others.
It makes me really angry that so many people talk about it, though still very few of them put it into practice, while understanding sexual liberation really did save me from complete destruction.