"One Swimsuit: Years Of Pain"


I was fifteen when I finally cracked.  I was standing in my swimsuit I had just walked out of the locker room when I heard my crush yell out “you’re fat!” 

He had been waiting for me. Prior to that day we both felt sparks. Once he saw me in a swimsuit however, I was moved forever into the friend zone. It was at that moment that I caved to the pressure of being thin. 

This wasn’t the first time I had been called fat; my body image had been under attack for years. This was the first time I cared. Somehow 

hearing him call me fat, made me feel bad about myself. Hearing him call me fat, tore down my defenses, it broke me. 

I think the most devastating thing of all is that it didn’t stop at weight. All of a sudden my hair wasn’t good enough, my brown eyes were plain and I was too short. It took just one person to get me to hate my body. So of course I was the one 

person that could love it again.  

I wish I could say it was this beautiful process and boom, I loved my body and lived happily ever after. But nope, not at all.  

The truth is I got tired, because not loving your body wears you out! I wouldn’t go out if my hair wasn’t perfect. I suffered relaxer burns, hair glue, and loss sleep to ensure that it was.  I wouldn’t take pictures if I thought I looked fat. There is a five year stretch of my life that I have no photographic proof that I existed. I wrecked my knees wearing sky high heels everywhere, literally everywhere. Slowly I let go of my insecurities because it was too much trouble hanging on to them.

To this day I don’t wear girdles because I spent hours not breathing at a party from wearing one too tight. Funny thing is I’m an asthmatic, constricting my 

breathing can kill me.  Living is way more important than not having my rolls show. 

Eventually, as time went on, I cared more about my comfort and my life experiences then I did about what I thought I should look like and what I thought I should be doing. 

My body lets me walk and run, lets me eat and enjoy food, lets me feel sunshine and laugh. Once I let my body be in its 

natural state love overflowed. I never saw my crush again after we graduated, but now, when I put on a swimsuit I make sure to do a little booty shake for that boy that called me fat years ago.

Eboni LaceyComment